I kept a journal when I was twelve, and I remember one day having an astounding (as it were to me at the time), epiphany about my dad was getting old, and that I should perhaps put a muzzle on my bratty, developing adolescent attitude, and in that moment of clarity, I put aside my own selfish feelings towards all the perceived injustices I had received, and saw him as a human being who was simply trying to do the best that he could, with what limited finances and resources he had. I saw that I did not show my understanding of what he did, telling myself that appreciation for his efforts were due, rather than the angry rebellion and uncomplimentary insults I had been paying him. Of course, this introspection lasted only as long as my scribbling did, and when the entry was complete, my magnanimous empathy had passed as well.
My mind is probably going to wander over the course of this…introspective session, as I have not yet gathered all my thoughts. But I wanted to write them out before I lose them.
This memory of what I wrote about my dad occurred suddenly to me as I was wiping down some mirrors. It’s a curious thing, cleaning mirrors. You are alone, and you aren’t. You are somehow forced to look at yourself doing a mundane, everyday chore, and not when you are seeking to boost or gratify your vanity. It can make you wonder, “Who Am I, Really?” “Is This How Others See Me?” “What Have I Become?” Maybe you will even spontaneously burst into “Reflections” like a Disney princess who does housecleaning. Maybe I am just asking myself these questions in light of recent situations and conflict that have shown me that I have not become what I wish to be. I am not who I was. I am not living the life I want right now.
I refer to a conflict that is perhaps a typical relationship woe – Person A has more free time than the other, and naturally desires to spend more time together. Person B is extremely busy and stressed and tries to give what s/he can, but ultimately begins to feel it an obligation and resentment grows, as s/he is continually asked for more time together than s/he can afford to give. Person A, with more free time begins to feel neglected and uncared for, believes perhaps, that if someone really wanted to spend time with them, they would make time to do so. S/he feels that her feelings are being invalidated, ignored, and that s/he doesn’t deserve what she is asking for in a relationship. There is also resentment and reproach, and s/he begins to complain and express disappointment and tell the much busier half that what they are trying to give is not enough. Eventually, things come to a head, Person B grows angry and thinks that to resolve the conflict would take more time that s/he doesn’t have or care to give, and that whatever time s/he has given has not even been appreciated, it is deemed “not enough,” and furthermore, wasted on arguments. Person B thinks perhaps the best solution is just to give up, but s/he expresses this in many hurtful statements. Person A is in tears, afraid of losing Person B, expressing uncontrollable emotions that aggravate Person B’s anger and validate Person B’s fears of time wasted. At some point, they make up, and agree to strive for a solution. Repeat ad nauseum.
I was just Person A in this vicious cycle, that I am hoping to break. After having spoken to some friends, while crying or while calm(er), I know that it is possible to take either side in this conflict. I do not think I am wrong to hope for, to ask for my needs to be fulfilled in a relationship. I think that perhaps a different Person B would be willing to sacrifice some time to comfort or reassure me, to not get angry with me because I cry. But I have also tried to look at the situation from the perspective of my other half. Not that I haven’t tried to before. The solution I arrived at each time before was that I would try to be content with what time we had together, and that eventually, that time would probably increase once the stress and busy-ness subsided a little. Maybe another solution would be if I found someone who is willing to give a little more. The thing is, I love my Person B very much, and when we aren’t upset about this issue, we are really very happy and loving around each other. When times are good, it is somewhat easier for me to accept that he cannot spend time with me. When he gets angry if I reproach him, it makes it even more difficult to keep my mouth shut because my unhappiness and dissatisfaction increase.
I do not want to lose him simply because I cannot learn to be a little more patient and to rethink the way I perceive the situation. When I am hurting and upset, it is really hard for me to listen with understanding to what he is saying. When he is angry and injects this wrath into every word, action, and blame he places upon me, I am not able to consider why he is acting in so harsh a manner. Sometimes I fear I am becoming like my mother, who used tears, hysterics, and “playing the victim,” to gain the comfort, apologies and reassurance she wanted. I am deeply afraid that constantly witnessing this behaviour as a child has somehow given me cause to believe that it will give me what I want. This is behavior I also want to get rid of, because my logical state of mind, when present, tells me that I am being childishly irrational. I loathed seeing my mother in a fit of sobbing, I grew to feel only indifference and disgust at her overly emotional episodes. I was fed up with her, as my other half was beginning to feel, with me.
This is the behaviour that I hate to see resurfacing in myself. I do not enjoy wasting my own time feeling so emotionally unbalanced and crazy. I can state other reasons for why I am so needy for his time – I feel lonely, homesick, friendless; I have stopped doing the activities I once enjoyed to make myself feel better; I am constantly too tired and sleep deprived from my two jobs that are not emotionally or spiritually fulfilling for me, to even make the effort to better myself. I know that if I were busier, and happier doing things that I enjoy, I would not feel that I need my boyfriend around to fulfill all these needs. So, I guess I asked my freshly cleaned reflection when it would me “show who I am inside” because I am not seeing myself as I was, as I want to be, in the mirror anymore. And I urgently need to restore that reflection. There is also another reason why it is so hard for me to accept having less time with him, which is the fact that half our relationship so far was long distance (about 8-9 months), and in half a year, I will be going home, and our relationship will continue indefinitely through long distance. That is the plan so far, at any rate, and so having knowledge of these great separations only makes me feel more desperate to cram in more time together before we are apart again. But I would rather be together still through long distance at a later date, than to push him away with my demands at present.
It’s possible for me to continue thinking I deserve more or better, and to use this belief to justify my demands for more time together. But, I know that I will not get what I want this way. When I am hurt, it’s difficult to not think, “Me, me, me.” That’s why resolving a conflict in an emotional state is a terrible idea. Now that I am calmer and feeling more rational, the introspection comes naturally and even the memory of what I thought about my father when I was twelve has come back to me, reminding me to look at Person B as a human being, not as my personal antagonist. Person B is a busy, stressed guy, who is doing the best he can, with limited time and resource, and rather than rejecting or downplaying his efforts, I know I should be appreciating what he does give, and supporting him in his various activities by not wasting time on disappointment and critique. Being with him also means that instead of looking at the things he does as things that take time away from us, I should consider how he is working towards a future that is potentially our future. Whether he is immersed in his studies at school, or working late at his lab, these are things that should be “common goals” – of course, I want him to pursue them. This time around, I hope that my contemplation/self-examination will outlast the ‘scribbling’ process.
Out of all my experiences in France so far, the one that I have regrettably appreciated the least has been my living situation. I currently rent a large bedroom that I found early on through Airbnb, and I’ve lived with a woman and her 18-year-old son for the last seven months. Sure, I felt very lucky to not have had to go through the whole business of moving around a lot into temporary apartments, or the stressful search for an affordable place. But, the months of isolation and feeling unwelcome have marred my overall enjoyable experience of living abroad as a foreign teaching assistant.
auds & ends 