…pathetic fallacy?

was my mood last night portentous? it’s beginning to rain and i am caught outside without an umbrella.

is this a sign that i should cheer up? or “do my crying in the rain” ?

“pathetic fallacy” takes me back ten years to tenth grade english class and the (clearly) unforgettable study of Macbeth. “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes” would have been an apt description of my feelings in turmoil last night. If i am to seek inspiration from Shakespeare, i would probably do better to recognize that “things without all remedy should be without regard: what’s done is done,” and stop dwelling on the past!

rainy day mood

It’s one of those very late Sunday nights where every song that you hear, whether it comes up on your iphone playlist or in Songza, makes you feel slow and nostalgic, and your thoughts start running through your head at a hundred miles (in many run-on sentences) a minute and you revert to the messy, dreamy girl that you used to be in your Emily of New Moon –inspired journal writing days, and you start thinking about your past relationships and your exes and you wonder where they are now.

One song forces me to admit that I’m so scared sometimes that I was broken beyond repair and although I’m mostly fine and happy now, I can never give myself to anyone else in the same way that I once did, because pieces were lost in the damage. There just aren’t as many pieces left to give. I wonder if maybe that’s it, he was my “one true love” and I lost it and no matter how happy I could be, it can’t come close enough. It makes me feel like there is no point in putting in the effort sometimes. I feel like crying, thinking about how I simply don’t feel capable of opening up to anyone completely even while I feel like crying out for someone to be there for me, the way I believed he was. I feel like an idiot to be even expressing these scattered, cliché fears. You’d think that nearly two years of being independent and happily finding myself would get me past these mental obstacles that anyone could so easily accuse me of clinging onto in the attempt at a defense mechanism, only, I do not do it out of intention or obstinacy. At times like these, I wonder how much I have let go of and how much more I may need to let go. I still feel like demanding closure from him. This makes me feel that I haven’t completely moved on.

Another song puts me in mind of my first love, with whom I have seemingly lost all contact. He used to love singing this particular song as he played the guitar, and now the lyrics seem to describe me. It makes me sad to think that we thought we could become a successful high school sweetheart story six or seven years ago, and now we are completely disconnected. The break up was painful but we eventually started talking again. However, it served only to confirm what we had been afraid of all along, that we had already been drifting apart while together. And so, both of us on our continuously diverging paths, we stopped talking altogether. Sometimes, I think that I should call him or at least send him a text message to see how he is, to see if I still even have his phone number, to see if I have really lost him forever. But these days, I’m so busy that I feel that I don’t even have time to spare for that, because I feel that it would open up an emotional can of worms that I am afraid to confront.

I’m seeing someone new now, and he’s really, really nice. Sometimes, I think he really is the nicest guy I’ve ever dated. But, it’s too soon to think that I know him well enough to judge. Also, I am (hopefully) leaving on a long awaited overseas exchange that will take me away from home for at least half a year. I’ve wanted this dream for so long that I refuse to let anything or anyone hold me back from it any longer, now that the opportunity is finally within reach. Even if things worked out between us, I’ll have only been seeing him for three months before departure, and so I am sitting on the fence about progressing further into anything resembling a relationship.

I think that I will regret giving him up, if I do, because of course, who wouldn’t want to keep a guy so nice? But that would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. Part of me hopes that maybe he isn’t as nice as he seems after all, so there wouldn’t be a reason for regret.

I always try to ask myself whether I will regret not doing something, and if the answer is positive, then I make sure to save myself from that regret. But it’s past 3am and I am tired, sad and moody. I can’t trust myself to make any rational and sober decisions.

I’m in a rainy day mood on the first day of summer. Today was a beautiful, warm and breezy day, but my heart feels full of the rolling thunderstorms brought on by midsummer’s humidity. I would welcome lightning with elation right now.

damn your beautiful voice, ed sheeran.  it makes me feel too much.