Love you? Of course I love you. I don’t even know why I doubted my own feelings before other than for the reason of not having been myself lately and doubting myself in general. I can’t live without your presence, apparently. I love your geeky intelligence, your patience, your sense of humour, your awkwardness, how sensitive, sweet and cheesy you are, how thoughtful you can be. I love how we have so much in common and how we are usually on the same page for everything we encounter so we can get along so well. I love how you always encourage and support me and believe in me even when I doubt myself. I understand why you can’t do that for this particular doubt, so I just hope you can believe in me now when I say I love you. I love your funny little smile, your crooked front teeth, (poking) your single dimple, your fluffy hair and the adoring, affectionate way you look at me. I love your kindness even though it frustrates me when you are “too nice,” but I wouldn’t want it any other way and I’m sorry that I made it sound like I want you to change. I don’t. Please don’t ever change, because you make me a better person just by being who you are. Being away from you for so long has made me lose sight of who you are and what you mean to me. So I am so sorry that I seemed to take it for granted. I was unhappy and not in a good place, so no matter how hard you tried to give me more to make me happy, it wasn’t enough, it could never be enough, and that was not your fault, nor your responsibility. I couldn’t make myself happy or strong enough to deal with the things that were bringing me down. I love your calm and your self-control when you are annoyed, I didn’t deserve it last night, and I think you are justified in being angry. I said that maybe you were what I was looking for at only that point in my life, but that’s not true. You are not usually the kind of guy I date, but that’s the point, I shouldn’t keep dating guys who make me unhappy and (try to) break my heart. You are what I’m looking for, for always. I really do love you to the point where I envision and hope to have a future with you and I was so happy I could make you happy. But then I stopped being happy myself and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had a moment of weakness, please forgive me. I’ve been feeling lost and if I don’t know who I am or what I am, how can I know who or what I love? But the possibility, no matter how real, of losing you has really driven me to the awareness of how much you mean to me. And I take back what I said too, about how I didn’t feel attracted to you. I didn’t like anything in general, I felt so apathetic about everything. It wasn’t really that I’m not attracted to you, because I am. It doesn’t bother me that you are pale or that you have a skin condition that I hardly notice with my bad eyesight, and I must admit that just thinking about being near you and your athletic legs sometimes fills me with lust. I just want your pale skinny(er) arms around me again. I was apathetic and felt nothing, even about gruesome onscreen murders, but somehow being upset and hurt has at least allowed me to feel more. I remembered what it was like to finally hug you on that bed in Paris when we were reunited. I remembered what it feels like to curl up next to you in your neck, or how safe I always feel when I’m near you, or lying on your chest. I remember the excitement I used to feel when I think about running towards you in the airport. Everything reminded me of you today, from the sounds of violins, or a pale skinned choir boy whose head jiggled awkwardly when he sang, much like yours does, to seeing the last name “Ozouf” on a book cover in passing. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I still can’t. You’ve mentioned a few times in the past that I don’t say “cheesy” or “romantic” things in return, or as often as you do. I’m scared to let you know, and I don’t want to scare you away by letting you know just how much you really mean to me. I’m too scared of looking like I love you more than you love me, so I laugh off your sentiments or act nonchalant and make jokes. I guess you don’t know how much I really adore you – even if I didn’t show it recently – so now you do. I hope it still matters to you.
Tag: emotional
Room Without A View
Out of all my experiences in France so far, the one that I have regrettably appreciated the least has been my living situation. I currently rent a large bedroom that I found early on through Airbnb, and I’ve lived with a woman and her 18-year-old son for the last seven months. Sure, I felt very lucky to not have had to go through the whole business of moving around a lot into temporary apartments, or the stressful search for an affordable place. But, the months of isolation and feeling unwelcome have marred my overall enjoyable experience of living abroad as a foreign teaching assistant.
I don’t like to talk about it, because I want to have rosy-tinted montages in my head of my time in France, and the only reason I feel compelled to write about it at this moment, at 1 in the morning, is because I was in the middle of Skyping my boyfriend at midnight and maybe I was disturbing them, or something, but for whatever reason, without warning, they seem to have cut me off from the internet network completely. Maybe I’m just being paranoid because of my unenthusiastic opinions about them, but I am pretty sure the wireless network is still working, because I can locate its strong signal on my phone and on my computer, but I am unable to join with either device, using the password given to me at the beginning – which has worked recently for other Airbnb guests.
Let me be honest – I was trying to lower my voice! I usually keep pretty quiet! She has only had to tell me once in 7 months that I was laughing too loudly, and I was immediately quiet after that. If I was being too loud this time, no one said a thing. There was no warning whatsoever. If I had been conscious of a problem, I would have acted immediately. So, I don’t know what exactly it could have been, but I find it quite unfair, and I am quite angry now. I think I have a right to be angry, since I am still paying for this room + utilities, and I have always paid the full month, even though I’ve really only lived here 5 out of the first 7 months, and even though I am leaving a week early this 8th month. Sadly, my feelings towards this imminent event are of anticipated relief and a certain sense of I can’t wait to get out of here. I mean, my suitcases are 80% packed. I could leave tomorrow if I had to.
Perhaps I should have left after the first 3 months, before the blinds were drawn back in my mind, and I was able to get a different view of the situation. But then again, I did not have a full grasp of the situation until it was well into January/February. Essentially, I feel like an unwanted guest who continues to overstay my welcome. Yes, my hostess is nice and well intentioned. But that’s all I ever seem to be able to say about her when people ask me how I like living here. For someone who used to host many homestay students and still hosts Airbnb guests year-round, she should be used to having guests – but maybe that’s all she really prefers – temporary guests who stay for a brief period of time, so she doesn’t have to continue a prolonged interaction with them, or to spend time with them. I had a lovely, now blighted dream about coming to France, meeting a family, becoming close with them, learning to cook from a Frenchwoman in her home, sharing meals and laughs together. The part about coming to France came true, but alas, not all dreams can come true, I suppose. Continue reading
from [August 1, 2013]:
(from my neglected Tumblr):
I DWELL IN POSSIBILITY
It’s been almost a year since my last (and most serious) ex broke up with me. I hadn’t been single for 5 years before that. and in these past 11 months, I feel like I’ve done so much more while single than I did in those 5 years in relationships, and it is so amazing what I can be capable of doing when I allow myself to be open to all possibilities. What is ironic, is that he told me that he had more productive things to be doing than to try to make the relationship work, and I ended up being the one actively doing things, while he got a new girlfriend two weeks later. I just need to make a list (because that’s what twenty-somethings enjoy doing anyway) of all the things, trivial or major, that I’ve done, so that next time I’m in a relationship, I won’t forget or lose who I am, and I’ll remember that I have my own life to pursue :)
1. Joined Vocal Jazz Club at my university (literally the day after the break-up. My eyes were red rimmed and my friend <3 forced me to join something). Performed in two end of semester concerts. Made new friends :)
2. Started ice-skating again!
3. Got back into running and ran 2 half-marathons!
4. Started doing Moksha Yoga 3-4 times a week, made new friends at the studio :)
5. Sang in first solo performance onstage for a Vocal Jazz Club concert!
6. Went to a lot more concerts! I just love music!
7. Saw a ballet for the first time (Swan Lake)
8. Went to a Vancouver Symphony Orchestra concert for the first time.
9. Picked up knitting again and knit scarves for friends and family.
10. Did a Moksha Yoga 60 day Challenge!
11. Tried a ballet class.
12. Gave a 25 minute seminar presentation in an English course!
13. Spent 5 weeks in Québec for EXPLORE and stayed 3 more weeks to WORK IN Québec!!!! Never been away from home for that long by myself before! (and i didn’t want to leave yet…)
14. Sang a french song in a concert performance at the end of the Explore program.
15. Went canoe-ing for the first time in the Maurice National Park. (feels strange saying it in english, when we always referred to it as Parc de la Mauricie).
16. Saw Coeur de Pirate live for the second time in Québec! (Rented a car with friends and we drove to another small town to see the concert :)
17. Greyhound bussed my way to Montréal, Ottawa and Toronto! And stayed with friends that I made in the program or that I knew from uni.
18. Saw free concert performances in Montréal for the International Jazz Festival the weekend that I was there.
19. Saw a free concert performance during the 2-week music festival in Trois-Rivières :D
20. Biked along the Rideau Canal in Ottawa!
21. Went to Canada’s Wonderland in Toronto! I can never ride enough roller coasters! I’d ride one everyday if I could.
22. Saw sunrises in Montréal, Ottawa, Vancouver!
23. Started trading at my yoga studio (volunteering in exchange for free unlimited yoga!)
24. Went to Whistler for the first time (in February).
25. Went camping for the first time in Whistler! (July).
26. Went snowshoe-ing for the first time on Mount Seymour :) (was stranded at the lodge on the mountain for a few hours afterwards due to snow!)
27. Went hiking to a waterfall in Pemberton, BC.
28. Hiked all 3 peaks of the Chief in Squamish, BC!
29. Got my second hand bike all fixed up, bought a helmet, and biked all around East Van, West Van, North Van and saw a fireworks show.
30. Saw the Avenue Q musical at Granville Island.
31. Biked to Granville Island and back in the middle of the night!
32. Got another tattoo ;)
33. Oh, yes, did most of this through 2 full-time semesters while working part-time.
I’ve done a lot more other things that I probably can’t recall at this exact moment, but I am just awestruck at the amount of things I can accomplish when I want to. At first, I was so grief-stricken after the break-up that I could barely get up and walk on my own two feet and I couldn’t eat for a week without throwing up, but it was gradually replaced with the realization that all my time is my own and I regained my thirst and hunger for life. All I want to do is run harder at life, and do as much as I can. I can’t bring myself to sit still for long, even when I am exhausted. Part of the reason for this is probably because I feel the need to make up for all the years that I missed out on doing everything that I wanted to do. But I have always had wanderlust and a sense of adventure, and now I know that it doesn’t take much to find freedom – it’ s just a walk, a hike, a bus ticket, a bike ride or a yoga pose away.
It’s not just about the experiences I’ve had. I’ve also learned so much about myself and I used to think that I knew myself well. Just from my travel experience away from home for the last 2 months, I’ve learned that I don’t need as much as I thought I needed to be happy. I used to buy a lot of things because I thought I needed more to be happy. My parents couldn’t afford much when I was young, so I felt deprived. When I started earning my own money, I was free to purchase whatever I wanted, to ease the “deprivation” (first world problems…). Of course, I also shopped for the “benefits of retail therapy.” I also lacked the freedom and independence in areas of my life (thanks, ex-boyfriends) that I (didn’t know I) needed, so I filled my life up with things over which I had a choice – the things I could buy. But, in the 9 weeks I spent away from home, I pretty much lived with all that I brought in my one 50 lb. limit checked luggage and my backpack. In my last week of city-hopping, I lived out of my suitcase and sometimes, just out of my backpack. I felt freer and happier than I ever could have imagined I could be, and when I first came home and came into my bedroom, I was overwhelmed with how crowded my room seemed, with how much stuff I didn’t remember having.
In retrospect, it probably hadn’t seemed like that much to me before I left. Now that I have had experiences that I value above having material objects, it all just seems like too much unnecessary stuff. Of course, it’s nice to have the comforts of home and more of the “extra essentials” in my life again, like more clothing to suit the variable weather, or some of my books and supplies – but that’s exactly what they are to me now, luxuries. I appreciate and even feel like I “need” some of these things, but I don’t take them for granted like I used to. Everything else that I own, I see as unnecessary material things. I wish that I could sell 70% of my possessions and hit the road.
In the last week before I left for my trip, I confided to a friend that I hoped that I would have a life changing experience, and then I quickly retracted that statement, because I knew that if I expected too much from the start, I would only be disappointed. Then, in the confusion and excitement of being away from home, I forgot about trying to have a good experience, and I just experienced things as they came. I’ve been home for 2 weeks and I feel like I am still trying to come back down to earth, but maybe my reality has changed for good (for the better) because the way that I think has changed. In this way, I realized only recently that I did have a life changing experience after all.
When I look back on this past year, I conclude that while it’s true that we may grow a lot in relationships, we can grow even more after they end.
(And if you feel more like yourself after the relationship ends, then it was never meant to be. Don’t grieve for what shouldn’t be.)
…it’s nice to remind oneself of one’s beliefs. I hope my future travels will continue in the same vein of self-discovery and growth as I have experienced over the last few years. It’s hard to believe that it’s already September, and I will be leaving in just under two weeks for the next small (but not trivial) chapter of my life!
stronger stuff sometimes
i thought i was made of stronger stuff, but his words still got to me in the end. i spent all day at work yesterday, feeling subdued and fearful of his appearance and considering what potential legal actions to take. then, i went home and cried because of his unnecessary cruelty.
maybe because i’m generally an optimist, but i never usually think that i’m a victim of bullying. recently, however, i’ve been swapping stories with the boy, and realized quite the contrary. i’ve been bullied several times throughout primary and secondary school, at home, and now, even at my workplace, by an aggressive, overpresumptuous customer. no wonder i’ve developed a sharp tongue with a predilection for casual insults.
i wanted to hate people last night. what is the point of being kind if anyone can feel that they have the right to trespass on your personal space, emotional or physical, and make you feel violated and *wrong* for being who you are?
i never wanted his attention, and i even told him so, many times. he felt the need to send me long, angry messages over and over again, attacking my character and putting me down. and everytime that he apologized, the optimist in me believed that he was sorry, and wouldn’t do it again. i didn’t want to believe the worst of someone i didn’t know well. i should’ve listened to my friends when they told me to ignore him. he wasn’t even my friend, just a customer who wanted to be more than friends, no matter how often i insisted that it would never transpire. when i said that i was not interested, he still maintained that “[he] didn’t know if i liked [him]” and that “if [i] didn’t, [he was] fine with it…if we [didn’t] date, maybe we will, maybe we won’t.” there is no if about it, i would never consider dating someone who made me feel so uncomfortable with his attention and so full of self-doubt about the correctness of my general behaviour (towards customers).
i’ve never been called worse names, or attacked with so little validity to justify the anger. of course, the rational side of me knows better than to listen to what he says, he is clearly a bit crazy. but i’m human and not immune to emotional vulnerability. there is comfort in knowing that my friends and colleagues back me up in this, but it may not stop him from coming back into my workplace or trying to contact me again. and by ‘contact,’ i mean, “sending me long tirades of verbal abuse.” at least, i can print them out and have documentary evidence so i can fight back without falling helpless under his unfounded accusations.
i’ve never dealt with crazy on this level before, but now i have, and maybe i can be made of stronger stuff still.
auds & ends 