i thought i was made of stronger stuff, but his words still got to me in the end. i spent all day at work yesterday, feeling subdued and fearful of his appearance and considering what potential legal actions to take. then, i went home and cried because of his unnecessary cruelty.
maybe because i’m generally an optimist, but i never usually think that i’m a victim of bullying. recently, however, i’ve been swapping stories with the boy, and realized quite the contrary. i’ve been bullied several times throughout primary and secondary school, at home, and now, even at my workplace, by an aggressive, overpresumptuous customer. no wonder i’ve developed a sharp tongue with a predilection for casual insults.
i wanted to hate people last night. what is the point of being kind if anyone can feel that they have the right to trespass on your personal space, emotional or physical, and make you feel violated and *wrong* for being who you are?
i never wanted his attention, and i even told him so, many times. he felt the need to send me long, angry messages over and over again, attacking my character and putting me down. and everytime that he apologized, the optimist in me believed that he was sorry, and wouldn’t do it again. i didn’t want to believe the worst of someone i didn’t know well. i should’ve listened to my friends when they told me to ignore him. he wasn’t even my friend, just a customer who wanted to be more than friends, no matter how often i insisted that it would never transpire. when i said that i was not interested, he still maintained that “[he] didn’t know if i liked [him]” and that “if [i] didn’t, [he was] fine with it…if we [didn’t] date, maybe we will, maybe we won’t.” there is no if about it, i would never consider dating someone who made me feel so uncomfortable with his attention and so full of self-doubt about the correctness of my general behaviour (towards customers).
i’ve never been called worse names, or attacked with so little validity to justify the anger. of course, the rational side of me knows better than to listen to what he says, he is clearly a bit crazy. but i’m human and not immune to emotional vulnerability. there is comfort in knowing that my friends and colleagues back me up in this, but it may not stop him from coming back into my workplace or trying to contact me again. and by ‘contact,’ i mean, “sending me long tirades of verbal abuse.” at least, i can print them out and have documentary evidence so i can fight back without falling helpless under his unfounded accusations.
i’ve never dealt with crazy on this level before, but now i have, and maybe i can be made of stronger stuff still.
auds & ends 